Wow, the first wannabe published author pitch. Feedback?  

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gregscott
New Member
Joined: 11 months  ago
Posts: 2
06/10/2016 10:01 pm  

After uncovering an unprecedented Iranian cyberattack and apparent ISIS bombings, Jerry Barkley must overcome FBI bureaucracy to stop the next phase – a biological attack that could plunge the US into war with the wrong enemy.


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Kymburlee
New Member
Joined: 11 months  ago
Posts: 2
16/10/2016 2:20 pm  

I really like this! I think the only tweaks it needs are on a technical level to help the flow, because you've done a brilliant job of illustrating the stakes. I would cut "unprecedented" and "apparent." The first because it made my brain stumble a little, the second because words like "apparently" and "seem" tend to weaken pitches. Don't tell what's apparent, tell us what IS. 🙂 "After uncovering an Iranian cyber-attack and bombings attributed to ISIS, Jerry must overcome FBI bureaucracy to stop the next phase (use an em-dash here instead of an en-dash) a biological attack that ("would" instead of "could"--it's a bit stronger wording and adds a little ZING) plung the U.S. into war with the wrong enemy." With just a few tiny tweaks, I think this pitch will go up several notches on the "WOWZA!" scale. 


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